she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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