i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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