I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
