dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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