I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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