Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
