shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
