I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you inspire me to be a worse person
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
