I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
