I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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