I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Semen is not good for contacts.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
