that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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