Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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