Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
