my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
