John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
