I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
