My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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