i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I didn't notice because vodka
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
