Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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