Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
