If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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