I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it because I queefed?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
