you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
