How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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