I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
