and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
