barbara walters just said penis...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
