Apparently you make a good broom.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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