Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
