I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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