Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
