I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize