I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
