I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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