dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just threw up on my dentist
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize