Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
