I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
