I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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