but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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