awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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