Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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