If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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