Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
