my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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