i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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