Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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