haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
