so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
