I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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