So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
