so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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