I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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