ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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