you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
