wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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