The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
