R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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