just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize