Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Mom said you looked used
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
